so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize