I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
