If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
