I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish I only lived at night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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