John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
