I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
