Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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