Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
