my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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