I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
