Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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