who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
