First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just had sex on a roof
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
