The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
