when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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