just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
