I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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