It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
