i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You left your phone here
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