i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
