I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
