yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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