They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
