I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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