My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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