Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
