I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
