So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
