____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
