I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
