Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
