i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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