apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
