I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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