you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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