is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
