yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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