some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
