The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
is wine microwaveable?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
3pm strippers are depressing
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
