I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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