And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
