my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
and you said cock pushups were impossible
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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