She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
