apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
