You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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