i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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