One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
