Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
