You're so nebulous sometimes
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
