i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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